Me: Uncle Ed. I called that new number you left me. Aren’t you at home?
Eddy: I am, Charlie, but I got me a cell phone. Everybody was on my case. Your Aunt Marge, the kids, guys down at the VFW. So I got one and had the grandkids show me how to use it.
Me: Hey, so I could text you now.
Eddy: You do and I’ll thump your ass when I see you. Look here – it’s good you can be in touch when you need to be in touch. But I ain’t getting carried away like all them other people. I got a phone, OK? But I’m still just Uncle Eddy.
Me: Not sure what you mean, Uncle Ed.
Eddy: Cause what I don’t like is it seems these damned things make everybody feel important. It’s like everybody gets them a phone and right away they got to tell everybody else in the world about what they’re doing. They’re facebooking and snapper-chatting and posting and fart-smarting and all that whatever. I’m eating lunch at the diner and some guys taking pictures of his hamburger and texting it to someone. Like no one has ever seen a hamburger. I’m in the mens room and some guys in a stall and I hear him talking while he’s taking a dump. What the hell’s so important he can’t take a dump in peace. Maybe I should call you when I’m taking a dump.
Me: I think we can skip that.
Eddy: But it don’t stop, kid. It ain’t right. I think it makes kids think they’re more important than they are. The world don’t care about everything you do. It don’t want to see 37 pictures of what you bought at the Safeway. I ain’t the smartest guy in the world, but when I’m watching a Steelers game don’t go texting me “did you see that play?”. I may not be a genius but I don’t need no help watching a football game. And Trump may tweet-post all that crap every day but that don’t mean that I got to tweety-post him back because frankly who gives a damn what Eddy in the Mahoning Valley thinks? Nobody, that’s who.
Me: Ed, I got to get down to the school. We’ll pick this up later.
Eddy: No problem. Keep talking. Wedge that sumbitch on your shoulder like them gals in the Walmart when they shop and we can keep on talking. Won’t miss a beat. Just turn the damn thing off if you got to take a dump.
Me: Bye, Uncle Ed.