Author: Chuck Ritley

Offshoring: Part 3

Chuck Ritley

A little known history of IT offshoring – Part 3

November 1, 2017    Ken Ritley & Chuck Ritley

Part III – The Solution

By Chuck Ritley & Ken Ritley

 

KEN:  So how did your Indian distributors  get into the picture?  Did you take the initiative?

I wish I was smart enough to take credit.  Coincidentally, one of the Indian principals had some business in the US with another supplier, stopped by for a get-acquainted meeting, and I had a couple of days to fine-tune some technical issues.  The topic of contract work came up.  “Would we be interested in contracting out program development work?”  Their technical staff were well educated, I had seen some of their product, and they could offer hourly rates far lower than the US.  We didn’t conclude anything then, but it gave me some ideas for the future.  These folks were a known quantity, and sold tons of our equipment in India with no complaints.  Clearly they knew what they were doing.

Let’s examine our coding deadline.   We had 8 programmers, and needed 16.  And IBM wasn’t slowing down.  We talked with the CEO about it.  We had other English-speaking assets, but India was the only one with enough excess manpower that was able to sell services.  So it was time to talk with them.  I had hoped for a trip to India, but we settled for the phone.

When we explained the scope of the project, the Managing Director in India showed an excellent grasp of the concept.  And offered us something we had not encountered:  a turnkey coding solution.  In the past, we paid contract programmers on an hourly basis, and had to constantly ride them to keep up production.  The Indians offered a hands-off deal to us:  they would provide up to 12 programmers, bring them to us, pay for their meals and lodging,  they would work under our supervision, and all for a package price.  If production goals slipped, they would bring in more help at no extra charge.

KEN:  Sounds like a good deal.  Almost too good, wouldn’t you say?

I was familiar with the “mythical man month”, and knew there was a limit to the number of people we could coordinate.  But the fact that they would take the risk was impressive.  And the total cost of the package was far less than I would have paid local programmers – if I could have acquired them quickly, which was no option in Silicon Valley at that time. Our CEO went off with his finance people and VP’s, and said “let’s do it”.  The bottom line was:  if we couldn’t get this done on time, we’d lose the game anyway.

KEN:  Today, of course, we bundle up projects and send them off.  How did you start an on-site deal like this?

Over the next two weeks, I renovated an old classroom with work tables, cabling, and 12 new terminals tied into a dedicated mini-computer.  I rented two small one-bedroom apartments close to the office, choosing “someplace that doesn’t have all that zoning stuff.”  The local government had some occupancy rules and I was cheating a bit.

The first to arrive was a guy who would be my main contact – let’s call him Krishna.  Well dressed, with excellent university English, Krishna explained that he would be in charge.  He rattled off some impressive IT credentials, and said that if I explained what I needed, then he’d interpret, delegate, and see it got done.  All I had to do was keep testing the coded output.  He checked out my workspace and said it was fine, and we went over to look at the 2 apartments.  I thought they were small for 12 guys but he said they’d be fine and I gave him the keys.

The following Monday, they all arrived — 12 programmers as specified.  I don’t recall their names as it’s been too many years.  I recall Kumar and Rakesh, but that’s all.  In my defense, the reason is simple:  only half of them were fluent in English.

KEN:  Now you have your team in place.  How did you get off ground zero?

I had a panic attack at this point, since our proprietary operating system and programming language were like the old Pick language – English-based.  Krishna calmed me down and explained that all of these guys – even those with no English – had been writing programs for their dealership for years and were proficient.  He said that the 6 who spoke no English were from Bangladesh, but that the Indians were all bi-lingual.   And they needed separation from the Bangladesh guys, hence the two apartments.

KEN:  Now you have your team in place.  How did you get the project started?

I got everyone into the classroom, where I had diagrams on the board and a projector with graphics.  (This pre-dated PowerPoint.)   I walked them through the logic of the system, slowly to let Krishna fill in those with no English.  Our own 8 guys, with their own modules to work on, sat in.  But at this juncture, all I could see was disaster.  Remember, this my first experience with an off-shore team.

We had a company van, and the 12 were hauled over to the apartments to get settled in while Krishna and I began working out a revised production plan. (I already had one, but it was geared up to the 8 in-house programmers.)  When I asked him about food, meals, and other necessities, he assured me that he would take care of all that.   My job was to assign tasks and test the output, Krishna would handle the work.   Bear in mind that I had been coding, and supervising coders, for years, but this was a new ball game.

KEN:  So give us a play-by-play of this new “ball game”.

So it began.  The next day they started coding.  Krishna must have re-briefed them that evening, and everyone seemed to know what to do.  They worked hard, with a work ethic I hadn’t seen before. No one broke for coffee, no one chatted with his neighbors, and no one wasted time.  There were problems, of course.  I made them print hard copies of everything so I could inspect all code, since no code works the first time.  And trying to keep up with 20 programmers was a strain on me, since all of the pieces had to fit together.

KEN:  So – so far so good?

All was not well at first.

Even with 12 extra programmers, we were falling behind our CEO’s release schedule.  Krishna was a task-master, drove the guys harshly, and they put in 12 hour days.  They kept to themselves, focused on work, and didn’t socialize with my guys.

A few weeks into the project, he asked if we had spare terminals.  We pulled 6 terminals and modems from inventory, took them to the apartments, and got them hooked into our development network.  Krishna planned to have them put in extra time in the late evenings on-line.

KEN: It sounds, at least, like the work was back on your schedule.

It was. But, at this point, it occurred to me – with much dismay — that I could somehow be stuck in the middle of a slave labor operation.

We were paying a flat fee for 12 people, jammed into two tiny one-bedroom apartments. (I was never allowed inside.) They fed themselves, so presumably they shopped and cooked.  Spare time was spent in extra work on-line. Saturdays and Sundays were just 2 more 12-hour work days.  I had my own terminal at home and I could see new code appearing on week-ends.

So my conscience prickled me – but not enough so that I was willing to tell the CEO that we couldn’t get it done.  Personal and business survival has a moral price sometimes.

KEN: So setting aside your Silicon Valley attitudes, how was it progressing?

 Now, honestly, the work wasn’t the highest quality.  The 12 turned out what 8 of my own programmers would have done.  I spent many hours going over code, editing subroutines, instructing Krishna on what was wrong and how to fix it.  After time, I had some rapport with the 6 English-speakers and instructed them directly.  Or I would have Kumar or Rakesh talk to the Bangladesh guys. That annoyed Krishna, but at this point I had a schedule to meet, and cultural customs be damned.  This, of course, caused some tension.  But, again, this was our first venture into new territory.

Weeks went by, but we made progress.

KEN: Progress in that you were keeping to your schedule.  But, how about the end result?

That was the over-riding potential hazard:  I knew from experience that when we went live, some code wouldn’t work. Does it ever? Programmers know what I mean.  So when the 12 went home, what we had was what we had.  And leave they did, with no fanfare, no long good-byes. I just handed Krishna a check.

As with any new system, there were bugs to be worked out over time.  But the code was plain, and well documented, so out own guys could handle that. And we got through the those bugs, and actually met the CEO’s deadline with a working system

KEN:  So in the end, everyone was happy about it.  I mean – happy with the results.

Yes, but it was a life lesson for me.  I was used to hard work and long hours.  Anyone who programs is.  But we never worked as hard as that Indian crew.   When I reflect back on it, I suppose it was a preview of things to come as more and more companies tried it.

From everything I could see, this was a win/win situation, or the guys wouldn’t have come and worked so hard.  But it’s hard to forget the 12 guys jammed into 2 rooms, working nearly 24/7.

(For more information on interesting topics around the international community,  you can visit Dr. Ken Ritley’s website.)

 

Offshoring: Part 1

Chuck Ritley

A little known history of IT offshoring – Part I

November 1, 2017

Part I – Setting the Stage

By Chuck Ritley & Ken Ritley

Anyone working in IT has heard the terms offshoring and nearshoring.  Two things about them usually come to mind.  First, that they are supposedly about transferring jobs to low wage countries. And second, they were supposedly made possible by recent advances in technology, as Thomas Friedman describes in his book The World is Flat.

These statements are not entirely correct.  In fact, IT offshoring began much earlier, even in the late 70’s and early 80’s, much before the Internet. And the motivation was less about saving money, but having access to top technical talent.

As an IT guy in the early 2000’s, Ken helped build large offshore and nearshore IT organizations in India and Eastern Europe. This is what we’ll call “second generation” IT offshoring – in which the work is made possible by the Internet and remote collaboration. But in the 1970’s Ken’s father Chuck was instrumental in setting up and directing some early “first generation” work – in which teams of foreign specialists were brought into the U.S.

What follows is a discussion between Ken and Chuck to tell the story of how first generation IT offshoring began, the strong impressions it left on the people involved with this work, and to highlight some differences and similarities between what happened then and what happened now.

KEN:  I recall it’s all about mini-computers, which don’t exist anymore today. Can you paint the scene?   What was the year, what was the industry like, and what were you and your company working on?

You have to understand the IT industry in the late 70’s and early 80’s. It was proprietary and minicomputer-based.  Each company had its own processor design and, therefore, a unique OS and language.  At the main-frame level, companies had their own mainframe programming staff who did custom programs.  But the minis were meant for the small and medium-sized business.  Since those companies could not afford a programming staff, or development time, the minicomputer manufacturers sold turnkey solutions.

The set-up involved a network of dealers, most of whom were specialty houses.  For example, in a large market, there would be a number of dealers.  One might specialize in finance, another in distribution, or wholesaling, or transportation, or retailing.  Most would start with a standard accounting suite of software and then tailor it to the needs of a specific industry.  For example, a trucking company would have different needs than a food wholesaler.

The main point is this:  it was a turnkey solution for the end-user, both HW and SW.

Now, to make this happen, the computer manufacturer would provide the basic accounting package: sales, orders, accounts receivable and payable, purchasing, inventory, general ledger, shipping, etc.  These are root functions that every company does – but a trucker does them differently than a clothing retailer.  They were designed to be customized.  Having customized one for a specific customer, the dealer now had some expertise and could sell the same customized version of the package to other prospects. The concept of having standard modules which could be tailored is probably the root of SAP and other systems like it.

KEN: That’s certainly much different than today.  Today the hardware is standard, the software and programming languages are standard, and the main differentiator between companies is the domain or solution.  Can you provide some details about your domain and solution? 

The system of customizing basic accounting packages was used by most of the mini-makers.  And all of them generally had the same set-up of specializing dealers.  But that wasn’t enough.

There was a need for more complex software suites to handle much more than basic accounting, things that dealers with limited staff couldn’t handle.  Manufacturers and distributors have complex operations and want to use computers for operations like scheduling work, planning lead times, and materials acquisition – far beyond the reach of normal accounting.  So we began to specialize in full-function enterprise resource planning and manufacturing resource planning software. In other words, handling all of the functions a company would need to control every function.  These were also meant to be customized easily at the dealer level, since individual needs vary.  We also had a few others, but these were the most complex, and beyond the development scope of any of our dealers.

We designed it, trained the dealer, he sold it, and then tailored it to the customers needs.  Now,  here is where the problems lay: creating these complex software modules required not only excellence in coding, but expertise in the mechanics of a business.  The solution was usually to have a business analyst working with the programmers to spell out the flow of work in terms that they could turn into code.

(For Part 2, please link to Dr. Ken Ritley’s website —  right here:  Part 2.)

Uncle Eddy Is Nervous About North Korea

Chuck Ritley

Me:  Uncle Eddy!  Haven’t heard from you in a while.  What’s up?

Uncle Eddy: Charlie, this North Korea bullcrap got me all upset.  Fact is – I’m damned scared.  All them Washington guys got some Bullcrap opinions – but ain’t nobody asking us guys who was there.

Me:  That’s right; you fought in the Korean War.  You were there two years?

Uncle Eddy:  Damn straight.  And I’ll tell you, kid, if we mix it up with them guys it’s gonna be ugly.

Me:  How so?

Uncle Eddy: I ain’t no professor, kid.  But them North Korea guys don’t think like we do.   Whole different outlook on life, ain’t at all like ours.  Them Russians — they was the easy part. In the 50’s and 60’s they knew if they fired off  them nukes we had just as many nukes and everybody would get hurt.  You see, they have what you’d call a Western  mind – a stand-off.  You see where I’m going?

Me: I think so, Ed.

Uncle Eddy: But them North Korea guys they don’t think like that. Life is cheap for them.  I remember being up to my ass in the snow and shooting at them and they just kept coming even though we was killing ‘em all as they did.  Didn’t make no sense to me but we had to keep shooting ‘em just to stay alive our ownselves.

Me: Why do you think that is, Ed?

Uncle Eddy:  It’s the way their army works, Charlie.  Us Americans, we try to fight by  rules, you know?  We don’t kill no civilians, but them Koreans don’t give a crap.  Our Army guys got rules.  No general can tell you kill a prisoner, not if he wants to keep them stars.    But them North Korea guys – hell, they got officers  kills a soldier outright if he don’t do what they say.  In my day, you could go to your CO and say “hey, this is wrong”.  He might kick your ass sideways, but he’d listen.

Me:  So they’re ruthless?

Uncle Eddy:  You can say that but I’d call it bat-crap crazy.  They’s  more damned scared of them bosses then the  enemy.  I seen officer types waving pistols and driving them on even when we was machine gunning ‘em.   I had Marine pals told me the same stuff – they just keep coming.  They’s more afraid of that Kim Jong guy then they is  of dying and that ain’t good.

Me: You think Kim’s the same?

Uncle Eddy:  Damn straight!  He don’t know no different.  A thinking guy,  he’d look at how much a war would cost him.  But ol’ Kim ain’t no thinking guy.  He does what he damn well wants to do and because everybody in his damn army does what he wants he figures the whole world will.

Me: So he won’t reason with us? 

Uncle Eddy:  Hell no! And our Prez keeps baiting him.  And who’s he to talk tough?  He ain’t been in no war.  He wasn’t in Korea, wasn’t in ‘Nam.  Didn’t have to see his kids go to Iraq and them other deserts.   Ain’t so good to talk tough if you never been up to your ass in mud with somebody shootin’ at you.  He’s picking a fight with that crazy man and there’s gonna be big trouble.

Me:  Ed, I hope you’re wrong.

Offshoring – The Beginnings

Chuck Ritley
My son, Dr. Ken Ritley, is a recognized expert in offshoring and near-shoring techniques, in the near East and Far East.  Coincidence or genetics, I once dabbled in this some 30 years ago.  That doesn’t make me a “recognized expert” — just someone who had a problem and looked for new ways to solve it.
Ken and I had a long dialogue about this — comparing old to new — and I think you’ll find it interesting.  It begins with Ken’s adventures in Bangalore, India, and then segues back in time to my own.
Hopefully, we take some of the mystery  out of offshoring.
Link here for Ken’s perspective on how it all began: An Informal History of Offshoring.

 

Uncle Eddy Is Tired of Tweets

Chuck Ritley

 

Me:  Eddy, I got your text.   I guess you got texting down cold. 

Uncle Eddy:  Charlie, I love this texting crap, cause its one to one.  I sends you a text, and you know it’s me.  Not like that other bull crap.

Me:  Not sure what you mean, Ed.

Uncle Eddy:  See  – twitter-tweeting, facebooking, yelping and yowling and snapper-this and snapper-that – that’s closet bull-crap.  You got something to say to a guy, good or bad, you do it face-to-face, not hiding behind some posty thing.   You know what I mean, kid?

Me:  I think so.  I guess you mean direct dialog, Ed? 

Uncle Eddy:  Yeh, I ain’t so good with words.  Point is if you got a beef with a guy, go look him in the eye.  If he ain’t in your town, send him a personal-like text or e-mail thing.  This snapper-yapper crap lets guys hide in their basement and make big talk they wouldn’t make to your face.  In the Army and when I worked the mills, guys got feisty you know, but you looked the guy in the eye and told him what you thought.  Man-to-man, you know?

Me:  I hear you.

Uncle Eddy:  Now we got this whole mess of say anything you wants to whoever and you don’t need the stones to look him in the eye when you says it.  Even the Prez – he’s tweeting up a storm, calling out this one and that one.  If he’s got a beef, why don’t he call him up on the phone, he probably got a hundred phones, and talk straight to him?  Instead of all this name calling crap like a kid in a schoolyard.  I ain’t an educated man, kid, but if I caught my own kids doing that, I’d whack their asses.  Kids have beefs, too, but they should oughta tell the other kid what’s what.  And if they gets a punch in the mouth, that’s life, you know.

Me:  You got a suggestion for the President?

Uncle Eddy:  Damn straight.  If he’s got a beef with someone, call him out private.  Or call one of them press things and say it plain to everybody.  Seems to me he’s hiding in the dark calling out everybody and their brother but he never says it man to man.  That’s crap, Charlie.  In the Army, a guy like that you’d call him a coward – worst thing you can say to a soldier. You was a Marine, and I bet you guys sure as hell didn’t do that in-the-dark crap.

Me:  No, I didn’t.  Marines always look you in the eye.    

Uncle Eddy:  Damn straight.  But the tweetering it’s a bad example. Everybody’s doing this posty crap now, thinking it’s the thing to do.  It ain’t right, kid.  Anytime I got a problem with you, I’m going to tell you – just you – what it is.

Me:  I know that.  I’ll catch you later.  Unless you got a beef with me now.

Uncle Eddy:  Nah!  You and me is always square.

 

Uncle Eddy On Obstruction of Justice

Chuck Ritley

 

Me:  Hey, Uncle Eddy!  Thought I’d ring you up and see what you’re thinking about all the impeachment talk – and that pesky Bobby Mueller the Special Counselor who’s poking around.

Uncle Eddy:  Charlie, I just got calm down about it – and now you gone and stirred me up.

Me:  So what do you think?

Uncle Eddy: I got to tell you, it’s damn straight about time.  I voted for them guys.  Bought all that crap they were spouting about jobs and money and good times for middle America.   Bull crap!  Ain’t none of it happening, is there?  But all them fat cats cover up each other’s ass.

Me: So you think there’s something there?

Uncle Eddy: I’m thinking someone with balls ought to start poking around.  Government law is government law and ain’t nobody should be thinking they can make up their own like some kid’s play time, you know?

Me: You think that applies to the President, too?

Uncle Eddy: Crap!  Double crap!!  That applies to everybody.  Look here, kid.  You know I was in Korea.  Wasn’t no damn volunteer — I was drafted.  I didn’t want to go, cause you heard my older brother Stevie was killed at Normandy, and I ain’t no damned hero.  But I went.  Didn’t matter I didn’t want to fight no damn Koreans, I went cause the law said I had to.

Me: My Dad said you had a rough time, Ed.

Uncle Eddy: Damned right I did.  Froze my ass for two years, getting shot at, sleeping in mud, seeing my pals blown to hell away.  Wasn’t no fun – but I followed them rules, damn it.  Guys in the Army don’t get no chance to make the rules they wants, they do what they’s told to do.

Me: And the Chinese and the Russians?

Uncle Eddy: They was the enemy, kid — shot at me, I shot at them.  And let me tell you something important – if I had ever walked over to them China guys to talk, the Army would have straight away shot me.  That was the law.  But now the big dogs is talking with them Russians who ain’t our pals any more than they was back then.  But nobody gives ‘em a slap on the ass, they just cover each other’s asses.  But it’s against the law, kid, against all them laws I know of.  So if nothing else, maybe this Mueller guy can dig up all that under-the-table crap and stick it out there so the Congress guys gotta do something.  If 18-year old soldiers got to follow the law, so does everybody else.  You got me?

Me:   I got it, Ed.  Let’s hope things get cleaned up.

 

Uncle Eddy on Paris and Coal

Chuck Ritley

Me:  Hey, Uncle Ed.  Good to hear from you.  What’s going on?

Uncle Eddy: Remember when I told ya “nobody wants to grow up to be a coal miner”?  And you printed that?

Me: I do.  Why? Did you get calls?

Uncle Eddy: Lots of ‘em.  People says “Eddy, you got that right”.  Even pals down in Parkersburg says I got more sense than the prez. Can you imagine him droppin’ that damned Paris deal?  So’s we can make more smoke?

Me: I agree, but nobody can stop him.

Uncle Eddy:   Look, Charlie.  I miss them steel mills, but I’m too damned old to work ‘em anyways.  But I got to tell you, aside from not enough jobs, it’s better in the Mahoning Valley now.  Hell, your Aunt Marge can finally breathe without coughing fit to puke.  Nobody wants no more coal.   You see on TV them China people walking around with doctor masks on.   Kid, you know I lived my whole life like that.

Me: I remember our visits were pretty smoky.

Uncle Eddy: And that was good weather.  I remembers when they was goin’ gangbusters on them coking ovens.  Hell, it got so bad they run streetlights in Youngstown and Pittsburgh 24 hours a day.  High noon and you couldn’t see squat.  And where you was in Cleveland, down near 89th – you tell me it wasn’t just as bad?

Me: It was, Ed.  We’d visit my Grandpa in Fairport Harbor and we thought we were in Heaven.  My Ma would send my sister and me out there for summers to get some clean air.

Uncle Eddy: Damn straight.  Hell, too many guys I worked with is dead already when their lungs give out.   Your old man was one of them, kid, so you know.

Me: He was, Uncle Ed, so I do know.

Uncle Eddy: But that prez grows up in air conditioned palaces.  He don’t know squat about smoke and crap. So, yeh, we need jobs bad, but we sure as hell don’t want our grandkids dying early from the dirt.  And ain’t nobody’s gonna use coal no more anyway.  Like I says, power companies uses gas cause it’s cheap and there ain’t no boilers to shut down and haul out ashes.  I cleaned out coking ovens when I was a kid and that’s butt ugly work.  Nobody wants that crap no more.  I seen all his slick lawyer pals on TV saying how wonderful it’s going to be.  Ain’t none of them picking up shovels and heading for West Virginia, is they?  Bull crap.

 

Uncle Eddy Versus The Trump Budget

Chuck Ritley

Me:  Uncle Eddy!  Good to hear you.  I got your texts, so I figured I’d call.  I guess this is going to be longer?

Uncle Eddy: Charlie, I been reading that Trump budget and I’m so damned mad I could spit.  My vote has been stolen from me, cause I voted for this crap  and what a damned old fool I was.

Me: Slow down!

Uncle Eddy:  I voted cause I figured working folks would get more jobs, but anybody who’s in bad shape and don’t have no job is going to be in worse shape. He wants to chop 190 billion dollars out of aid for unemployed.   Charlie, nobody out there needs welfare if they’re working.  And that fat ass budget director, Mickey-whoever,who probably ain’t ever worked a day in his life, says it will make people get off their ass and find work.  But, Charlie, there ain’t no work. Zip. Zilch.  You’ve been out of work, kid, I know you have.  You ever wait for a handout?

Me:  Never did, Uncle Eddy.  I guess this is a classic case of the rich thinking the poor are lazy.  That goes back hundreds of years.

Uncle Eddy:  Years-schmears!  I’m talking now.  Some people needs help.  When you put my words on that Reagan cheese giveaway on your web thing, a lotta people read it and tell me I’m right.  Ain’t no way to explain how a man feels when he got to feed his kids by standing in line for a handout, and hope that it’s enough to feed them.  How the hell would someone with a rich daddy – who never done that – know how that feels?  A guy don’t collect no aid unless he’s damn far down on his luck.  It ain’t easy working the mills.  There was always long layoffs. You remember me, old Stan, your old man and Wally we was off months at a time.  No one give a damn, and we was damn glad to get government hand-outs.  Hurt to take it, but I know you remember some skimpy meals, don’t you, kid?

Me: Sadly, Eddy, I do.

Uncle Eddy:  And now these fat asses wanna cut billions out of Medicaid.  Now I got Medicare, and I thank God for it.  But them as got no money, either get Medicaid or maybe die.  Maybe the fat cats figure if enough poor people die they’ll save even more.  But them Wall Street guys get a tax break because of this.

Me:  Eddy, look.  This is only what the President wants to happen.  Congress still has to vote on it.  And I think – I hope – that any politician stupid enough to vote for this will get his fanny bounced out of office come the 2018 elections.   That is, if enough older people get off their asses and vote.

Uncle Eddy:  I hope you’re right, kid.  This time around, no one is stealing Eddy’s vote with damned lies.

 

Uncle Eddy On the Wannacry Virus

Chuck Ritley

Me:  Uncle Eddy! I was getting ready to call you.

Uncle Eddy: Just callin’ to make a point, kid.  Remember when you wrote about me and social media?  I got flack on that from everybody – kids, grand-kids, neighbors.

Me:  Sorry, Ed.  I didn’t mean to cause trouble.

UNCLE EDDY:  No – it proves my point.  That new virus-germ thing – what’s it called?   Shuttin’ down them hospitals and stuff?

Me: The Wannacry virus.

UNCLE EDDY:  That’s it.  See I was trying to make a point, kid.  So now we can connect everybody on earth to everybody else.  But why the hell is that so good?  My point back then was we don’t need the opinion of every teenage kid in our face all the time.  But everybody else thinks that’s just swell.  And now this electro-germ thing comes along and jams up all that communication and I guess it’s like a kidnapper, right?

Me:  Yep.  They hold your computer for ransom until you pay them.

UNCLE EDDY:  So there you go.  They’re shuttin’ down hospitals and companies.  So we all got connected up, all snug and lookin’ at each other’s party pictures and along comes some crooks and screws it all up.  Life just might have been better the way it used to be.

Me: How do you mean, Eddy?

UNCLE EDDY:  I mean you and I is kinfolk, right?  I call you and you call me, or sometimes you call your Aunt Marge even.  But we don’t gotta crawl up each other’s butts.  I don’t wanna send you pictures of everything I do, and I don’t wanna to see pictures of everything you do.  That’s my point – we ain’t getting’ in each other’s face all the time.

Me:  OK.  I buy it.  But what’s the harm?

UNCLE EDDY:  Charlie – you just seen it.  It’s like all of us is in this giant house now, with a gazillion rooms.  And if one dumb ass forget to lock the door, someone comes in and steals from everybody.  I ain’t no engineer, but I know that much.  If we connect everybody, then if a hoodlum attacks one of us he attacks all of us.  Cause we’re all connected.  You was a systems guy and you know that.   So we connects everybody up but we forgot we connects up every sleaze bag along with ‘em.  And now we can’t lock the door.

 

Uncle Eddy Remembers Reagan’s Cheese

Chuck Ritley

Me:  Uncle Eddy.  Glad you called.  What’s cooking?

Uncle Eddy: Well, Charlie, I’m waiting on cheese.  See everybody says Reagan was a great guy and they forget the cheese.

Me:  Not sure I follow you, Ed.

Uncle Eddy:  Remember when Reagan had a big-ass mountain of cheese and figured he’d feed the poor?

Me:  Ouch!  I remember.  It was back in the 80’s.  The government bought surplus milk from farmers and turned it into cheese.  If I recall, they had warehouses all over the country and had about 560 million pounds of cheese.

Uncle Eddy:  I ain’t so good at math no more, so how much is that?

Me:  I’d guess it would make about 4 piles, each as big as an aircraft carrier.

Uncle Eddy:  Well it pissed me off then and will again.  So Ronnie plays hero and gives it to the poor who can’t afford no better.  He could have upped their welfare, but Republicans don’t like welfare, so he give away cheese.

Me:  I guess you’re going to tell me about it.

Uncle Eddy:  Damn straight.  Things was slow at the mills,  I got laid off for the winter. Benefits wasn’t much and it was rough keeping food on the table, and I hear about this cheese give-away.

Me:  I think every state could have up to 30 million pounds.

Uncle Eddy:  Yeh.  But imagine this, Charlie – your kids is hungry and you stand in line for cheese, maybe your wife, too, and at the end of the line you get a 5 pound block of cheese.   Charlie, I ain’t a high-class guy, but I got some pride and it don’t do much for a man’s self-respect to stand in line for a brick of cheese.  But kids got to eat, so pride-schmide.  So we stood there and got our share.

Me:  Sorry you had to do that, Ed.  And I didn’t know.

Uncle Eddy:  Well I know you seen your own hard times, but this was the hardest.   We ate so damn much macaroni and cheese I didn’t take a dump until the mills re-opened in the spring.  And kept standing in line until then.

Me: But that’s in the past, Uncle Ed.

Uncle Eddy:  Maybe. I found out the government’s still buys milk from farmers and stores it up, and got millions of pounds again.  And them Congress guys don’t like welfare, cause they ain’t never been hungry. So I figure it’s cheaper for them to give us more cheese.  So the Prez will give it out.  Wait and see.